Thoughtful Diffusion

[‘Understanding Spirituality in Logical Terms,’ posted 12/19/2011 serves as the introduction to this article]

When I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Order (GAD) in 2006 it did not come as a surprise to me. I was fully aware that I often allowed my thoughts to completely absorb me, causing excessive worry.  In fact I would often swim around in them for fun, playing out different scenarios of past, present and future.  This type of mindset was so engrained in me that I made a career out of it by becoming a scientist.  Scientists are professionally trained to acquire all necessary background knowledge then approach a question or issue from every possible angle.  I would often find that I analyzed so profoundly, however, that when I backed up and tried to regain a sense of the big picture all I saw were puzzle pieces.  The fun did not stop there; I extended this level of analysis into every aspect of my life and therefore always found ample sources of worry and stress.  It was hell in there some days and I felt like drilling a hole in my head to stop the madness. The thoughts would play on a loop that I could not slow down, kind of like ‘The Song that Doesn’t End.’  Unconsciously, I enjoyed analyzing everything because its absence left only silence and boredom, which 99.9% of Humans find intolerable including me.  I continued driving myself crazing, jumping from thought to thought; all the while playing the victim card because I felt hopeless to control the habitual thinking-analysis cycle.  This cycle is GAD.  I knew full-well that there was nothing different between my condition and every other Human Mind on earth, only that my GAD had been confirmed by someone with a piece of paper with shiny letters.  Anxiety, GAD, compulsive, habitual thinking, being completely lost in thought, is the Human condition.

GAD for each human varies but always revolves around one fact: for better or worse, humans are thinkers.  Those pre-frontal cortexes of our brains, which make us distinctly human, keep us in a constant cycle of thought, analysis, emotion and action.  Name it and we think about it: to-do lists, careers, cars, money, babies, relationships, health, spirituality, politics, food, vacations, boredom, beliefs, puppies, hobbits, Kardashians, Facebook, on and on.  Though not all thoughts are negative, indeed some keep us from sticking our head in a deep fryer; most days the sheer volume is overwhelming.  For the average human thoughts relate to either their past, typically good or bad memories and feelings of guilt or longing, or hopes for obtaining goals and material things in the future, or fears that their goals will never be met along with a failure to attain the necessities of life.  The habitually negative thoughts, however, can create anxiety that goes on to cause significant physical and mental health issues.  Breaking this habit therefore becomes critical for one’s quality of life.  Know that it is possible to control these thoughts and break the cycle, creating some room for peace of mind, but it takes work.  As sure as a physical habit like nose-picking can be broken, so too can mental habits, but both require conscious effort.  In practicing to let them go, anxiety fades and life becomes manageable and even happy! To do this a person needs only realize one truth: You are not your thoughts and emotions.

This likely seems like an extremely odd statement, but stick with me and I’ll attempt to explain how to practice this realization.  First, I’ll give an example of a natural process for comparison, called diffusion, along with a visualization which will help illustrate this principle and letting go of thoughts.  Once thoughts and emotions are released they become distinct entities, and their ability to wield power over the Mind becomes a choice instead of a habit.  Finally, I’ll give examples of thoughts and scenarios to give this realization substance, allowing people to practice with their own thoughts and emotions by comparison.

DIFFUSION

It’s time for a biology lesson! Diffusion is simply the natural flow of a molecule across a barrier and down its concentration gradient, from high concentration to low concentration. This is nature’s way to ensure balance.  Relating strictly to water and liquids, this process is called Osmosis.  For our purposes we can keep things simple; when there’s a lot of ‘stuff’ contained within an object, and that object is immersed into something else which contains no ‘stuff,’ the ‘stuff’ will naturally flow out of the first object and into the new surrounding space, down its concentration gradient.

There are many real-world examples that illustrate diffusion.  Are you familiar with the phrase ‘Gone like a fart in the wind’?   If so, you know it represents the natural diffusion of smelly methane gas from the high concentrations within your ass, out into the expansive space around you which lacks this gas.  In this case it’s possible to sense the concentrations changing as the smell of the fart, diffusion of methane gas, fades as it decreases in concentration.  Processes of nature at work! Instinctively it becomes clear that this process is spontaneous and occurs without any input of energy.  In other words, nothing is needed to get the ball rolling. Therefore, it logically follows that energy is required to keep ‘stuff’ inside. This is key, a system must input and/or expend energy to keep ‘stuff’ from diffusing down its concentration gradient.

VISUALIZATION (See Picture Below)

Everybody with me so far?  Anyone need a bathroom break?  Ok, next we’ll apply the concept of diffusion to a simple visualization and drive my point home before providing some ideas about how to practice realizing that ‘You are not your thoughts.’  Imagine a huge lake.  The surface of the water is subject to the turbulence of the ever-changing weather; sometimes extremely wavy and chaotic, other times completely calm. Now place the Mind and Body at the bottom of the lake, a place so deep the weather has no affect; where it is always tranquil, nothing but endless watery space.  So there they are beneath the huge expansive lake and inevitably a habitual thought pops in.  This initial thought then gives rise to memories and emotions, which cause more thoughts and emotions, and suddenly your head is packed with anxiety-saturated thoughts.  Here the diffusion process would typically allow the concentrated thoughts in the head to pop out into the surrounding space, where there are no thoughts.  The thoughts would naturally travel down their concentration gradient, from the highly concentrated head out into the nothingness of the watery abyss.

So why the hell don’t they?  What keeps them inside the head against their natural inclination?  Emotional Energy.   The energy that keeps the initial thought inside was supplied by none other than the Mind and Body. That energy comes in the form of emotions and subsequent thoughts that arise after the initial thought occurs. It’s the cycle at work, producing energy which keeps the thoughts in high and dangerous concentrations within the head.  This occurs so habitually that the person is completely unaware of their energy expenditure.  Indeed, emotions are so natural that we forget that they are physical energy and have power, over both ourselves and others.  Once that first thought is given additional mental and emotional energy, those thoughts are kept in circulation instead of naturally flowing out into the water of the lake.  Allowing the thoughts to leave can be achieved by one, acknowledging the first thought and consciously deciding to stop the energy flow, and two, finding a way to expend the emotional energy created by the thought.  Consciously choosing to control the thought and redirecting your attention, expressing the thoughts and emotions, will prompt the Mind to accept it and out into the lake it goes!

Here are some practical ways to accomplish control and redirection:

• Mind-Body Association; contract and relax the fists noticing the sensation of letting go, carry around something heavy and then feel the weight lift once its removed, skydive or base jump and feel the freeness of the fall, snap a rubber band against the wrist and say ‘stop’
• Exercise; running, biking, kick-boxing/punching, cardio-of-choice
• Meditate; visualization, prayer, chanting, abdominal breathing, stare at a meaningful object
• Create; writing, painting/drawing, singing, listening to and/or playing music, knitting, scrap-booking
• Observe Nature; hiking, walking, sitting in a park, bird-watching, gardening

CEASING THE THOUGHT CYCLE

All thoughts appear due to activity in our brains and it happens spontaneously as nerves fire.  Most make sense in the context of what we’re doing, seeing or hearing because they relate to one another, such as a certain scent or sight conjuring a memory.  The memories can then lead to further thoughts, which in turn lead to feelings of guilt, pain, pride or happiness; aka emotional energy.  We are again caught in the cycle until we’re so engrossed in our thoughts that we’re no longer in the present.  Instead we’re stewing in the past or projecting ourselves into the future, playing out different scenarios in each, none of which will ever actually happen.  So how do we stop it? Consciously say ‘stop,’ and realize that ‘You are not your thoughts.’

In understanding this difficult concept, take a typical thought that invades the minds of many throughout their lives: ‘If I don’t find someone to marry soon, I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life.’ Ouch. Instead of letting it naturally diffuse out into the lake, we give the thought emotional energy by feeling the ‘ouch’ and expanding it into a horrible future.  No longer in the present, we suddenly envision ourselves 5 years down the road, 20 pounds heavier, watching infomercials on a Saturday night, our 3 cats nestled at our sides.  Furthermore, we may mistakenly identify with, and believe, the initial thought because it was predicted by someone close to us.  In younger years our Mother, Father, Sibling or Friend may have warned us of such an outcome as a result of some innate character flaw.  For example, ‘you’re too [fill in the blank], you’ll never get someone to put up with you!’  Those words created emotional energy, an ‘ouch,’ when first heard, and instead of letting it go at the time, the energy created a memory.  The anxiety of a lifetime of loneliness has just been embedded into an otherwise insignificant, meaningless, thought.  A bit overwhelming isn’t it?

Now consider the less typical thought, ‘I want to be the Easter Bunny.’ Would anyone uncontrollably dwell on this idea or let it promote significant feelings and thoughts, other than mild amusement?  Are they going to go out and buy basket weaving kits, food coloring and eggs to start preparing for their new career? No, because this thought is not recognizable as the truth.  No one would identify with it or use memories, life experiences or future aspirations to build off of it, thus it does not have the power needed to remain inside the Mind.  The Mind therefore dismisses it easily and out it diffuses into the surrounding waters.

Fundamentally, however, these two thoughts have the same origin and same amount of validity, because they are only thoughts and a simple consequence of our firing neurons!  There is no real substance to them, only that which we attach.  The difference is how the person chooses to react to them; either to identify with the thought, or dismiss it as bullshit.  That’s worth restating: THE PERSON CHOOSES THE EMOTIONAL POWER BEHIND THEIR THOUGHTS.  In learning to control that power, try this; the next time you get pissed off, anxious or depressed instantly recognize the initial thought that caused the emotion and ask, ‘is that really true, or do I just think it is for some reason based in my past?’ Additionally, picture that thought physically being let go, release it into the lake.  There it is out there, but you’re still inside your inner space no longer under its spell.  Wave to it out there in the abyss, say hello; realize that the thoughts and emotions are out there and distinct from yourself, they can no longer control you. This is the fundamental realization that ‘You are not your thoughts and emotions.’ They are only in your inner space if you choose to allow them to remain. To drive this point home ask yourself in the moment, ‘Who am I.’ Answer truthfully and in relation to what is happening in that instance, and allow it to change from day to day.  Disregard what you thought you were or who you think you will become.  You can only be the ‘You’ that you are in that moment.  Deep shit, huh?

PRACTICE

Think of a memory from your childhood or any other time when you felt extreme guilt, anger, embarrassment, etc.  I’m willing to bet that certain sights, smells and sounds bring those memories back to the front of your Mind.  How long do you spend dwelling on how you could have done it differently, reacted differently or otherwise changed the situation; minutes, months, years?

Next, think of World War II and the holocaust. Picture how you would have done things differently, or envision Hitler holding hands with a bunch of Jews singing, ‘It’s A Small World After All.’   Did it work; did you stop the slaughter of thousands? Now you’re thinking, ‘But that’s ridiculous; how can I possibly change world history by picturing that?!’  BINGO, you can’t!  And here’s the catch: you’re just as able to change the fate of the world due to WWII as you are able to change the situations of your past.  So let those memories go already!  When they spring up refuse to expend your energy on them any longer and envision them naturally diffusing out.  Bring yourself back to what you are experiencing in that moment, like the car honking behind you because you’ve been stopped at a green light lost in thought.

If you want to spend an entire day or lifetime feeling like shit because … [Insert anything you often dwell on]..., go ahead; far be it for me to stop you.  Or, you can snap out of it, acknowledge the thoughts and emotions that arise but allow them to diffuse out into the lake. Did Mommy or Daddy scar you? Remind yourself that they did the best they could with the resources they had at the time, they would never have intentionally fucked you over. Hurt by something someone said? Ask yourself if they really meant it the way you interpreted it; if the answer is yes, fuck them they’re an asshole and that’s their issue, not yours.  Feel guilty about something you did long ago, or yesterday? Either forgive yourself by realizing that you made the best possible decision at the time, make amends to the person you hurt or otherwise find a way to fix the situation you caused.  It’s worth mentioning, to be fair, that it’s just as unhealthy to cling to, identify with, and dwell on pleasant or hopeful thoughts.  Remember Al Bundy’s continual obsession with reliving the glory days of his High School football career?

MY EXPERIENCE

The first time you practice this it will seem impossible, dumb, and you’ll likely get pissed at yourself for not doing it right because it didn’t seem to work; you still feel shitty.  Just remember that there is no right way or wrong way, the fact that you’re trying is good enough and practice makes perfect.  The first time this realization occurred to me was fairly bizarre.  Feeling like shit for the millionth time for the same old reasons, I noticed something was different: my attitude and willingness to do what was needed to obtain happiness and peace of mind. I wanted to release control of compulsive thinking habits and create a clean and calm inner space badly enough to practice changing the way I perceive my thoughts.  There were two options; I could walk around being the shit-sandwich and wallow in my misery, or I could take my shit-sandwich out for a walk and a bit of fresh air, the two of us walking side by side.  I distinguished my thoughts and feelings from my physical Self.  While walking I took in the view of the mountains, watched the clouds float by, felt the warm sun and breeze on my skin and experienced an epiphany. I realized that happiness is being with the things that I can see, smell and feel in each moment, and not living in the past or future. I left control behind, opened myself up to the possibilities of life, and saw that true suffering is dwelling on memories, thoughts, or someone else’s actions; none of which I can ever change.  Somewhere along the walk, I lost my shit-sandwich.  Every now and again I see it peaking around corners, but then I ask myself, ‘Who am I?’  And as long as the answer is, ‘not a shit-sandwich,’ I’m good to go.